Finding Your Best Friend

A Field Guide

Dan Dana

Five Palms Press

Sarasota, Florida

www.dandana.us/fivepalms

© Dan Dana 2026

Cover photo: Shadow selfie by the author with his best friend

All text was authored by Dan Dana.  No text was generated by AI.  Photos and images not otherwise attributed were created by the author.  Certain images were generated by AI, designated “Image by AI.”

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Dedication:

For Susan, my best friend

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Contents

Use Kindle’s search and bookmark functions to jump to each section (MARKER#):

MARKER1  About this Book

MARKER2  Compatibility Factors

MARKER3  Haiku Quintets

MARKER4  Microstories

MARKER5  Author

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Introduction

We are a mating species.  We preen, fluff our feathers, displaying our finest qualities in hopes of attracting the attention of, and seeking the reciprocal approval of, potential nesting partners.  The particular currencies deployed by the parties to this microeconomic exchange differ widely across cultures and generations, but the striving is universal. 

Reproductive sex is the near-term objective in the most primitive, animalistic sense, which we have shared with our fellow mammals and their Jurassic predecessors for the past 200 million years.  Building on eons of reproductive success, natural selection has made our particular species’ methods deeply instinctive, not just personal style or idiosyncratic habit.  Our primeval mating behavior is now foundational to our modern social functioning. 

But we want more.

Friendship, beyond sex, plays a crucial role in the mating process among humans (some other species also appear to have “special” friends and even monogamous mates).  Few of us are content solely with one-night, or one-minute, stands.  We want emotional depth and stability, ego support to weather life’s ups and downs, trustworthy familiarity, convenient cohabitation, and other ingredients comprising the soup of happy partnership.  We want to be liked, loved, and securely cared for, and to reciprocate those bonding delights.

Even most successful singles who relish their unobstructed freedom generally yearn, even if ambivalently, for the intimate companionship of a best friend, most conveniently a domestic partner.  Exceptions and variants occur, which prove the rule.

Nevertheless, finding, and sustaining over time, a “best friend” who is also our domestic companion, and typically our primary sexual partner, is a challenging project, as evidenced by high divorce rates and frequency of serial, quasi-monogamous marriages, which we generally regard as “failures.”

This book offers a strategic approach to finding one’s best friend that has proved successful in this male, pro-feminist author’s long life. 

This is my story.

MARKER1

About this Book

Once again, I find myself gathering previously written material that has found its way through the brain-book barrier into another title that fits loosely within a multi-volume memoir.  As such, it sits alongside:

· A Life Mostly Lived: True Stories in 85 Syllables

· Diary of a Young Man, 1968-1969: Coming of Age at a Cultural Crossroads

· My Last Haiku and Other Haiku Quintets

· Microstories: When 50 Words is Enough.

Each of these rather autobiographical works of nonfiction contains material from my 81 years of conscious existence that readers may find interesting, entertaining, evocative, informative, and, perhaps, instructive.  

The current volume covers, most directly, the period from 1994 to the present during which my marital partnership with Susan originated (at age fifty) and has happily evolved thereafter.

It is written in a manner that presumes a certain literacy yet remains accessible to the broad swath of readers who are able to think outside-the-cultural-box about designing their own customized relationship that also suits our still-primitive human nature.

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Its major sections include:

1. The Prologue briefly describes the circumstances leading up to our first inauspicious meeting in August 1995.

2. Compatibility Factors contains a lightly edited version of my starkly unromantic effort to cut-to-the-chase in search of a better alternative to my previous pretty-good but ultimately “failed” marriage.  I did not foresee sustainable happiness as a single middle-aged man perpetually seeking love and companionship through feast and famine.  This document presumes to offer practical guidance for other men and women, gay or straight or other gender variants, who might consider an alternative to traditional romance as a practical foundation for a permanent partnership.  Admittedly, my status as an octogenarian may disqualify me as an outdated advisor on such matters.  You be the judge.

Here you’ll find the skeleton key, lacking some particulars of the original version that I presented to Susan in 1995.  Certain delicate individual preferences that have been redacted.  Use your imagination.  This public-facing revision contains some strategically-placed fig leaves of discretion and propriety

3. Haiku Quintets is a collection of minimalist bits that offer poetic glimpses of the inner world of Susan’s and my relationship as it has developed over the ensuing thirty years to the present day. 

4. Microstories contains an even briefer poetic form (precisely fifty words) designed to evoke readers’ deeper introspection into their own relationship-life.

Browse

Let your mind wander

Follow it there

Repeat

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Prologue

Thirty years have passed since Susan’s and my paths first crossed in 1995.  Being of similar age (about fifty), we had each experienced unsatisfactory first marriages, both ending in divorce about 1990.  Our children no longer lived at home.   Our mid-career challenges and busy lives left little time for dating.  Each of us had grown up in reasonably happy, middle-/working-class intact families free of significant mental health challenges.  Our parents were good people and good role models.  We were ready for life’s next stage.

Both being introverts not suited to the bar scene, we dabbled in local newspaper personals ads attempting to find a match.  No success.  Eventually, we each signed up for a pre-internet brick-and-mortar dating service designed for busy professionals seeking significant relationships, not simply Saturday night dates.  It worked.

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MARKER2

Compatibility Factors

Below is the lightly edited document I prepared in 1994 as I launched a targeted search for my best friend and life-partner.  My intent was to minimize the time and effort wasted on exploratory “coffee dates” that so often proved fruitless within minutes of first sight.   

Its initial purpose fulfilled, my treatise has lain gathering dust on my computer’s hard drive these past 32 years.  Today, in my ninth decade studying at the University of Life, I’m gathering my “papers” in case those of a younger age and generation may benefit from my hard-won lessons along the way.

This is the actual document (in italics) I printed and shared at my second coffee with Susan.  The remainder of this book tells the rest of our story.

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Compatibility Factors:

A Rational Guide to Choosing a Life Partner

I have concluded, after a 3-year post-divorce romance with the ideal of blissfully stress-free singlehood, that the quality and depth of emotional intimacy that I need, and am capable of, to feel fulfilled and happy can be found only in commitment to a well-chosen life-partner.  I have relished the delights of freedom-from-commitment that are available to a forty-something reasonably attractive man, and one who has been described (by an old lover and current dear friend) as having "exceptional relationship skills."  Nevertheless, while this single phase of life continues quite satisfactorily, I want more.

Consequently, I am undertaking to apply what I've learned these 48 years about who I am and what I need, as well as what I've learned professionally about problem-solving, decision-making, and marketing, to search for my life-partner.  Since I intend to spend the remaining 50 years of my life with her, it is exceedingly important that she and I enter our commitment with maximum information about each other, and with minimal ambivalence.  So, this "search guide" represents my current, albeit continually developing, understanding of the components of compatibility that we would need to find in each other to have confidence that we will be happy together for the rest of our lives.

I share these understandings in a spirit of candor and directness, so that if the eyes of my future partner fall upon this page, she will know much about me.  With this information she can assess our compatibility from her perspective and assert her interest in exploring us further.

Compatibility Factors

It seems to me that there are four key "compatibility factors" and one "master factor."  The compatibility factors are qualitative in nature—"more is not necessarily better."  That is, one's preferences are neither good nor bad.  Only similarity is good, dissimilarity is bad.  The master factor, however, is quantitative—"more is better." 

Although I share here my personal preferences within these factors that I think will result in optimum compatibility, I remain open to discovering that a match may be found despite some dissimilarities that might at first seem troubling.  Still, I believe that the more alikeness exists between us on these factors, the more compatible and happier we will be.

1) Friendship.  I want my life-partner to be my best friend.  Such a friendship takes time to develop, but I am alert to the "chemistry" that attracts me (non-sexually) to some people (male and female) more than to others.  That attraction includes shared values/interests/life experiences, intellectual parity, mutual liking and admiration, recognition of each other's special qualities, similar energy levels, and simply enjoying being and talking together.  Conversation is easy and unforced, interest in each other is high, and we support each other emotionally.  We feel liked and accepted by the other for who we are.

Much of this chemistry must be experienced to be known, and so is resistant to rational description, although some of it may be measurable by personality instruments like the MBTI.  Some describable similarities that are of particular interest to me are mentioned below.  Chances are we would share:

~ Non-sexist "feminist-masculist" views of gender roles, meaning that we have grown beyond romanticized images of "love" that would require me to act the role of "white knight protector" for her to feel secure in her femininity, and that would require her to act the role of "helpless/dependent princess" for me to feel secure in my masculinity.  We should love and respect ourselves enough, in both our feminine and masculine parts, that we can escape that popular neurotic symbiosis that provides so many partners such fleeting and superficial intimacy.  My best friend must be a real grown-up, or at least on the path toward mature androgynous integration, which is all I can say about myself.

~ Intellectual curiosity, so that we can share stimulating conversation about anything that can be thought about.  Any subject can be interesting to the intellectually curious person.  Having this alikeness, we can entertain ourselves with conversation in even the most mundane circumstances, which would bore the less curious.

~ Open-mindedness about alternative views of religion.

~ Commitment to health and fitness. I would have trouble joining in a life-long partnership with a person who is not committed to maintaining her health and fitness, including exercise and food-consciousness.

~ Humor.  Laughing together is a special pleasure and a powerful intimate connection.  For me, a shared sense of humor is an essential ingredient of friendship.

2) Sex.  I've learned that good sex requires taking individual responsibility for informing the other of our likes and our dislikes while taking pleasure in being an instrument of the other’s pleasure—no mind-reading required.  Our anti-sex culture, while using it to sell beer and deodorant, seems to regard sex as a lower animal need that people should repress as the price of being civilized.  I choose to accept, even cherish, my human nature, in my sexuality and in other ways, and want my life-partner to be similarly natural.

3) Lifestyle.  I want to share life with my partner to the fullest, and can anticipate some life-style barriers to this compatibility:

~ Cohabitation.  Although I can dimly imagine a satisfying lifestyle in which we do not live in the same home, I have been conditioned to believe that the intimacy that I want can only occur by sharing day-to-day living.  Barring some epiphany about this, I anticipate sleeping in the same bed every night.

~ Careers.  I am fortunate that my career provides lots of flexible time.  I enjoy my work, feel that I make a useful contribution to the world, and intend to continue doing so for as long as I am able.  However, I am not driven to achieve any particular career goals—quality of life means more to me than do additional professional achievements—and I want to share this priority with my partner.  So, I would have difficulty enjoying day-to-day living with a partner who devoted the bulk of her energy and time to her career, saving only their crumbs for me.

~ Money.  I have redefined my relationship to money in recent years.  I am financially comfortable, by my own modest standards, but am by no means wealthy.  And, I am unwilling to work hard/long enough to acquire wealth (although I'm exploring ways to work "smarter" to produce more income without additional time commitment).  Fortunately, I do not have expensive tastes nor a need to own costly status symbols.  A portion of my income is made passively via publishing of intellectual property and sale of rights.  I do not want to let the time demands of fee-for-service consulting engagements infringe greatly on my quality of life, which will involve sharing time and experiences with my partner.  Also, I doubt that I would be expected to financially support my partner, as I would not expect her to support me — she will be professionally successful in her own right.  We may eventually choose to pool resources, but I've not observed that doing so typically improves relationships.  So, we will regard ourselves as financially self-supporting, and we will hold somewhat similar values about how we choose to spend money.

~ Children.  I have one daughter and two surgically interrupted vas deferens; Su, age 21, is the most precious person in the world to me, and will be my only progeny in this life.  I am fairly sure that I don't want to take on the responsibility of being a live-in dad for another's young children.  So, I anticipate that my life-partner will not see small children in her future.

~ Travel.  My career affords lots of opportunities for domestic and international travel, but my appetite for lengthy solo trips has dropped off precipitously.  I enjoy going to distant and exotic places, but want to share those history-building adventures with my partner.  Her expenses could usually be charged to the client; in any case I would like for her to have the time flexibility and the interest in traveling to take advantage of these opportunities.

~ Where to live.  I like living in Kansas City but am not bound to it.  I am mobile professionally, being able to do what I do from anyplace in the United States and from some places abroad.  Also, I'm flexible about urban, suburban, and rural lifestyles.  So, I could be very accommodating to my partner on this matter. 

~ Together-time.  I don't require much formal entertainment to be happy.  I enjoy about anything—concerts, theater, ball games, movies—but my preference is to not spend a large amount of money on these activities nor to live a rushed, hurried life to include them.  I like simple pleasures — dining together, evenings with friends, weekend jaunts, making music together (I play guitar and sing folk songs with vocal harmony), giving and receiving sensual full-body massage, cuddling.  I'm open to learning about and adapting to my partner's desires and preferences about spending together-time, and to discovering new ways together— these are the preferences and habits that I bring to our beginning relationship.

4) Baggage.  In popular American vernacular, "baggage" has come to mean the negative psycho-behavioral effects of painful experiences in our pasts.  Paradoxically, both wisdom and craziness result from hitting bumps along the road of life.  I've hit my share, although I am lucky and deeply grateful to have experienced a nurturing family-of-origin that taught me that I am lovable, likable, worthy of respect, and "OK."  I regard myself as more wise than crazy, having experienced my bumps in life mostly as "learning experiences" rather than as scarring traumas.  Likewise, I want my partner to be wise, not traumatized.  She will not be carrying a burden of floating ever-present fear, anxiety, anger, or distrust—especially toward men—that keep her defensive, distant and emotionally inaccessible.  While such a person is as deserving of love as anyone, I choose not to complicate my life by selecting a life-partner who suffers these emotional scars.

The Master Factor:  COMMUNICATION

Our ability to communicate will determine how satisfactorily we are able to manage the inevitable differences we will encounter in these compatibility factors and in other aspects of ourselves.  Despite how much compatibility we begin with, our relationship will not remain static; as individuals and as life-partners we will be dynamic, changing, and growing—I would not want it any other way.  Parts of us will emerge that will necessitate our negotiating in search of common ground on divergent values, needs, and priorities. 

Even more importantly than to manage our differences, our ability to communicate will determine the depth of connectedness and intimacy that we can find together.  It is my desire that we plumb the awesome profundity—to co-travel the "inner space"—of our relationship as far as we are able.  I hope to find a partner who shares this sense of opportunity and exploration with me.

To make a good team for the trip, we need to have three communication capabilities:

#1: Self-awareness.  Many of the emotions that birth our behavior never rise to consciousness, owing to their often-painful origins in early life and to the ego-defenses that maintain their denial.  Nevertheless, knowing what we feel must precede being able to express our feelings constructively, avoiding acting them out destructively.  I constantly learn more about my emotional undertow, and am committed to exploring it further.  I ask that of my life-partner as well, and will lovingly support her self-exploration as I want her to support mine.

#2: Ability to express.  There exists a body of knowledge, skills, and tools that can be used to express feelings healthily.  Some examples:

· Knowing what "acting out" means

· Knowing what "owning our perceptions" means

· Knowing how to regard our "feelings as objective data"

· Gender (sex-role) undertow, both genetic and acquired.

· Listening with the heart, not just with the ear

· Assertiveness (claiming our personal sovereignty)

· Resolving ambivalence through dialogue

· Reflexive fight/flight (power-play and distancing)

· The "mediator's attitude" of non-adversarial search for common ground (non-competitive negotiation)

These are some ideas, skills, and tools that I currently know about and practice to the best of my ability.  Others certainly exist, and I have much more to learn and greater skill to achieve.  I anticipate that my life-partner will be already somewhat knowledgeable and skillful in communication, and, like me, is open to learning more as we grow as individuals and as a relationship.  Yet I also recognize that I may meet someone who, although not formally or professionally trained in interpersonal communication, will be a "natural" due to having been raised in a psychologically healthy family, to innate talent, or to some other way of knowing.

#3: Courage.  I have observed that the greatest impediment to healthy communication is not the absence of skills, but the lack of courage to use them—to "do the right thing."  Communicating about what deeply matters to us in our relationship inherently exposes our vulnerability—we risk disapproval, rejection, humiliation, withdrawal of love, having our needs left unmet.  I am committed to a truly intimate relationship, not just one of convenience.  (Relationships-of-convenience can be readily had as a single person, thereby avoiding the sacrifices and dangers inherent to commitment—I have decided I want more than that.)  So, I want my partner to have the open-heartedness, the strength, the integrity, the commitment to her personal growth, the trustworthiness, and the courage to trust me that are necessary to push back the envelope of our defensiveness and explore the inner reaches of our intimacy.  We will be eager, even if fearful, to learn together the sometimes-hard lessons that our intimacy can teach us, to appreciate expression of vulnerability as a strength in a whole healthy person rather than as a weakness in a defective one.  This is not a naive trust, but one that continuously builds upon discoveries of each other's demonstrated trustworthiness.  I am humbly imperfect, and am capable of acceptance and compassion for the imperfections of others.  Maintaining the environment of mutual trust and "unconditional positive regard" that can support risk-taking would require that my partner and I accept each other—warts and all.  Each of us must be committed to building that environment, and must have the courage to expose our warts.

Where is "love" in all this?

"Falling in love"—that delicious soup of sexual chemistry, friendship chemistry, and accidental timing that may happen only rarely—is reportedly due to the production of the hormone phenylthylamine—what Dr. Diane Ackerman calls in The Natural History of Love the "infatuation chemical."  Mature love (controlled by a set of opiates she calls the "attachment chemical") may not have to begin with "falling in love," but it would be delightful if it did so.  Mature love arises from building history together, from communicating intimately, from learning of the other's integrity and character and trustworthiness and capacity to genuinely care, from our reciprocated open-heartedness.  I don't know yet whether I will immediately "fall in love" with my life-partner; but I am quite sure that mature love between us will grow if we select each other carefully and with clear vision of our compatibility as friends, as sexual partners, and as co-travelers on the road of life, and with special attention to our ability to communicate.  We'll see.

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2003 Postscript:  Susan and I met in 1995.  I shared this document with her on our second meeting.  Unlike other women I had met and with whom I had shared this treatise, she did not politely excuse herself to escape this romance-challenged fellow.  Rather, she found my ideas congruent with her own, and my interests and values similar to hers.  We hosted a “family joining party” (a.k.a., wedding ceremony) on July 1, 2000.

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Back to the present (2026):  It will not surprise me to discover, one day soon, that this antiquated 1994-era formula above has found its way into ChatGPT results to the query “How to find a best friend.”  If so, I will be pleased to have served as a “source” of knowledge for lonely tech-savvy generations to come.  However, the behavioral skills required to effectively implement this strategy may remain elusive to AI-dependent incels.

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Truth in Poetry

The remainer of this book employs two forms of minimalist poetry—haiku quintets and microstories—to illustrate my subsequent and ongoing relationship with Susan—my wife and best friend.  Retired in 2012, I have written, to date, nearly 500 haiku quintets and 150 microstories, many of which celebrate or were inspired by her and have been selected for inclusion here.  She is my trusted muse.

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MARKER3

About Haiku Quintets

I strive to pack maximum meaning into the 17 syllables of the classical Japanese haiku form developed 400 years ago—a poem of three lines divided into 5, 7, and 5 syllables. But diverging from tradition, and perhaps committing other poetic heresies as well, my poems each consist of five haiku— thus a "haiku quintet"—comprising a single narrative theme and amounting to 85 syllables. A photo or image illustrates and completes the finished piece. I dub this novel art form "poetic impressionism by curious wordcraft." Apologies to Basho for my unorthodoxy.

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The Wrong Susan

“good morning, Susan,

I’ve landed in Miami”

she paused, seemed confused

it was a long flight

my reminder notes got mixed

“sorry, my mistake”

I owed her a call

back home, I apologized

I blew it, I thought

not the jealous type

one of her fine qualities

partner-type, for me

retired together

in our condo by the bay

she’s the right Susan

Setting:  Miami International Airport, August 25, 1995, ~ 5:00 am

Caricature by Sean Connor

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Song for Susan

dear co-traveler,

this path we chose together

hand in hand we go

your innate kindness

guiding me and growing me

showing me myself

our trust locks our bond

no dark suspicions intrude

e duo unum

plain humanism

no supernatural myth

we believe in us

onward 'til our end

living day by precious day

my friend, love, heart, mate

Wedding:  1 July 2000

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Puppies in a Box

it’s often declared

among relationshipped folk:

“marriage is hard work”

not so, in our nest

I don’t own you, nor you me

one plus one is three

no promises bind

I choose you afresh each day

our freedoms unchained

kindnesses gifted

each in debt to the other

both balance sheets green

key:  primal friendship

secret simple sauce known by

puppies in a box

Image source unknown

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Susan at Play

only three years on

you've come a long way, baby

music scents our nest

seven decades on

a long and winding passage

your dad’s dogged child

high barricades breached

deep dark hollows of grief bridged

you’ve prevailed by grit

we’ve shared harmony

these sweet twenty-four years on

wish twenty-four more

kindness is your song

finest player ever known

music scents our life

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How to Make Love

no deep secret here

simple truth for keen partners

use this power tool:

pay close attention

mate's small bids for connection

accept, don’t reject

turn toward, not away

turn-aways kill trust, troth, love

turn-towards cement bond

listen when she speaks

applaud her career success

laugh at her fun pun

meet kiss-hint with yours

subtle gestures flow both ways

turning toward makes love

Photo:  Walk-bridge at the home of Elizabeth Taylor, Puerto Vallarta

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Relationship Black Holes

I bid for contact

you star in my universe

I care about you

I send a quantum

bundle of loving wattage

checking our tether

like cosmic namesake

energy goes in, none out

from dark closed system

best keep my distance?

where's your event horizon,

your heart's boundary?

Susan? no such doubt

your bright star lights my lifespace

our gravities meld

Image: Scientific American

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Susan’s Not Done Yet

morning's alarm sounds

wake me at eight, you had asked

"I am not done yet"

did you finish it?

audiobook on your walk

"I am not done yet"

bacon on your plate,

I eye it with interest

"I am not done yet"

birthdays piling up,

stack getting fretfully high

"I am not done yet"

my idle question,

do you still love me, my Dear?

"I am not done yet"

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Simple Magic

stay in dialog,

resisting tug to withdraw

or to power-play

patience wins the war,

risk raises its daring head

above the foxhole

conciliation,

as Mother Apology,

bravely lifts her veil

me-against-you fades,

us-against-it emerges,

“we” supersedes “I”

both science and art,

mediation’s a life-skill

… it's simple magic

“Simple Magic” was the original working title of the first edition (1988) of my book Managing Differences, which remains the sourcebook for courses offered by Mediation Training Institute at Eckerd College (www.mediationworks.com).

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Three Magic Words

practiced life-partners

know well I-Love-You's effect

when sincerely voiced

triggers like response,

reciprocity's reflex

ripens love's sweet taste

less known and practiced

three more magic power-words

when disputes erupt

defenses push back

blame, fault, anger take the wheel

driving toward a ditch

harness that reflex

take high road to love’s repair

asking, Tell-Me-More

Image: PowerPoint slide from MTI’s mediation training course – www.mediationworks.com

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Bon Voyage

we're a cruising team

crossing fierce Pandemic Sea*

each other’s first mate

rising every morn

navigating through each day

'til our goodnight kiss

we share the tiller

steering clear of rocky shoals

and far shore’s dark reef

yon fog-shrouded coast

who can know this journey's end?

we bid bon voyage

co-traveling friend

love’s expedition partner

we sail toward life’s dusk

Photo: Greenland (2016) 

* Composed during COVID-19 pandemic (2020)

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A Coding Error

she said what she meant

in well-chosen word-symbols

perfectly clear, eh?

he heard what he chose

“I know her intent,” he thought

“I read her script”

he replied with care

in same language (so it seemed)

“I get it,” she thought

but something went wrong

unseen filters warped our view?

or coding error?

neither of us knew:

what I heard’s not what you meant

‘round and ‘round and ‘round

Image credit:  Smithsonian

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Transactional Love

clean underwear, socks

mysteriously appear

in dresser drawers

Sunday brunch specials

just magically show up

at my table spot

I’m deeply in debt

my meager debits don’t match

her credit surplus

she accepts payment

in curious currencies

from my bank’s account

exchange rates vary

but each thinks we are winning

rich beyond measure

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Decrypting Woman

countless blunderings

litter my long winding path

to this latter day

decades of missed cues

my garbled ear could not hear

my blurred eye couldn’t see

his-and-her desires

vulnerabilities glimpsed

in funhouse mirrors

coded messages

modestly sought undressing

sometimes urgently

fumbling for access

hacking your encryption key

guessing your password

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Existential Borderland

we touch, I feel you

separated by our skins

we’re near, but not one

we meet, I see you

separated by our masks

we’re near, but not one

we talk, I hear you

separated by our words

we’re near, but not one

we care, we share love

separated by our selves

we’re near, but not one

we’re close, but alone

a borderland lies between

no yoke can meld us

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Inexpressible

in one precious frame,

the three women I love most

I’ll trace my heart’s joy

this measly haiku

struggles to carry the freight

of love’s sundry forms

too few syllables,

my thin thesaurus falls short

surely there’s a way!

for want of language,

all who burst with love’s heartbeat

wear this poet’s shoes

inexpressible

in words known to humankind

d’ya know what I mean?

Woodstock Valley, Connecticut, June 6, 2021

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Finding Her

like ripening fruit

he was growing more ready

to re-pair his life

he’d relived a time

he had never lived before,

only imagined

wiser choice, this time,

he had learned the recipe

of love’s secret sauce

armed with his treatise

he sallied Cupid’s broad plain,

vision in focus

his arrow struck gold:

two puppies snug in our box

‘til death we’ll remain

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Kissing Quandary

so snug on the couch,

blanket tucked under your chin,

blonde wisps frame your face

your afternoon nap

this precious at-home Sunday,

you’ve been working hard

sweet love swells my heart,

we’re two puppies in a box

sharing life’s comforts

might I sneak a kiss

on your cheek, but not wake you?

my lips want your warmth

no, you need this rest

you would lift your sleepy head

to greet my sly kiss

Photo taken from my desk while writing this haiku

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Skin Therapy

grief overwhelms you

no good answers can be found

no words sooth your pain

can nothing be done?

am I helpless to help you?

must you just endure?

skin therapy heals

we lie together naked

skin-to-skin-to-skin

my skin feeds your skin

you absorb love through your pores

no talk, no action

our bodies soaking

in pure animal essence

therapeutic balm

Patches of skin that often touch each other, communicating somehow

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My Schizoid Compromise*

how close do I come,

daring to let you see me

—real me, warts and all?

and, how far away

do I stay hidden from you,

safe from your arrows?

writing this memoir,

now shared on the world wide web,

reveals my answer

browsing these snippets,

you may peer into my self

through frosted windows

I’m only human,

managing my boundaries,

just like you, my friend

* A term in object relations theory, developed by psychoanalyst Melanie Klein

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Dancing Queen

ABBA’s lively tune

brings forth a dazzling pixie

a spirit unleashed

her standard request

at cruise ships’ midnight parties

or anyplace else

arms wave overhead

sparkling eyes, rapturous smile

her inner sprite glows

a gogo dancer

she could have been a Rockette

or ballerina

standing here in awe

I’m her stiff, artless partner

she’s my Dancing Queen

Photo:  At her granddaughter’s wedding, 5 August 2022

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Resilience

you are kind, thoughtful,

and generous to a fault

you are an angel

we who know you best

who return your love with love

are the lucky ones

strangers who stumble

into your warm sunshine are

stunned by your goodness

but those who squander

who trample your sweet kindness

discard your precious gifts

your softness is strength

you can rally from setback

you’re resilient

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Hear The Other Side

in comfy silos

we hear only our echoes

muting others’ sides

our firm opinions

rest on facts we choose to hear

not heard from your side

we do not convict

people we accuse of crimes

‘til we hear their side

when trapped in conflict

there is only one escape:

hear the other’s side

from ancient wisdom:

audi alteram partem*

“hear the other side”

* A Latin phrase from Greek drama, a maxim in English law, and a truism in mediation

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Statement of Purpose

on our balcony

on Calle Jacaranda

twelve hard years ago

your wailing grief surged

from depths only mothers know

—I would be your rock

words rose from my soul,

you deserved all I could give,

my unfailing love:

“My life has no higher purpose

than to contribute to the

quality of your life”

this broken haiku

hopes to repair your trauma

in some small measure

My 15-word statement of purpose (the Jacarandas Declaration) found voice on the day Susan received news of Tyghe’s unsurvivable cancer in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, 2010.  He died 2015.  Photo 2018.

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You Are Beautiful to Me

out there or in here?

where lies your beauty’s lodestar?

in you or in me?

my admiring eye

quaffs your filling countenance,

quenching my heart’s thirst

our rich alchemy,

a master chef’s concoction

so sweet to my taste

lovers’ featured asset,

poets’ raw material

for millennia

words cannot capture

this art we draw together

in haiku’s frail hand

A cross-table dinnertime photo study at sea, southeast of Barbados, January 10, 2023 

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Fixer-Upper

it seems I’m due for

some repairs and improvements

I’m unaware of

nose hair needs trimming

comfy draw-string shorts are stained

—list more eyesores here

I live in her nest

needing constant attention

—a fixer-upper

is she tending to

her investment property

that’s losing value?

or is she simply

tending to my self-neglect

because she loves me?

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Reciprocity

that glue that joins us,

reciprocity’s soft nudge,

your kind act’s applause:

“I hear you, my friend

I accept your outstretched hand

I’m here in your world”

but in reply’s void,

the sound of one hand clapping,

what am I to hear?

no answer … I wait …

nature abhors a vacuum*

assumptions rush in

we hear each other

we accept the outstretched hand

we’re here in our world

* A concept attributed to Aristotle

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Femininity

your sniffable neck

fragrant female pheromones

my breakfast bouquet

your nuclear touch

electrons desire protons

charged ions snuggle

male seeking female

so glad you reciprocate

this force of nature

primal energy

exquisite polarity

magnetic allure

could I resist your

lovely feminine power?

probably, … but why?

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With Eyes Wide Open

you and I seek love

yearning to touch and be touched

to see and be seen

you and I will die

breaching our lone horizon

to be no longer

you and I wonder

who am I in the cosmos?

is this all there is?

we are both poets

seeking our own perfect words

where none can be found

you and I can share

this trek to oblivion

with eyes wide open

The haikuist at work

#  #  #

Invited Back?

was I a good guest?

did I say thanks for her

warm invitation?

did I compliment

her beautiful furnishings

during the home tour

the expansive view

was pleasing to my senses

in every way

the fine meal she served,

delicious start to finish,

but dessert was best

am I in good stead?

will I be invited back

to her next party?

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Oversharing/Undersharing

he blurts blatant truths,

assuming others agree,

or would like to know

she reserves her truth,

assuming others don’t care

what’s beneath her veil

he hears no protest,

so infers their concurrence,

strengthening friendship

she hears no questions,

inferring her smile tells all

that’s wanted to know

love accepts raw truth,

partners know the real story

behind our shadows

#  #  #

Center Mast

I’m in life with you

this past quarter-century;

you’re my center mast

you’re in life with me

aboard this fragile vessel;

I’m your center mast

weathering squalls of

existential aloneness,

crossing time’s blue sea,

trimming graying sails,

keeping our good ship afloat,

steering ‘round dark shoals

we shall stay the course

‘til the first of us debarks,

and center mast falls

Image by AI

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Mankeeping

it’s been reported*

a new marital malaise

is sweeping the land:

the wife feels burdened

as his trusty Girl Friday

lifestyle manager

responsible for

his whole social existence,

in charge of all that

husbands lounge in bliss,

being kept fat and happy

as her carefree pet

surely my wife’s not

such a burned-out mankeeper?

—I’ll check with Susan

* NYT, 7/28/2025

#  #  #

MARKER4

About Microstories

These precisely fifty-word studies in minimalism are intended to start a silent, asynchronous conversation with you. Each is illustrated by a photo or image. No backstory is provided for context. Each story is the tip of a desiccated iceberg whose vast subsurface region is left to your imagination, that hydrating fluid stirred to the surface, Rorschach-like, by your own rich mental underworld. How? Simply notice the image that appears to your mind's eye, the tug at your heart, the punch to your gut. You thereby complete the story triggered by this story stem. Browse, let your mind wander, follow it there, repeat.
 
Microstories come in several varieties:
 
Micropoem. A form of unrhymed, unlineated prose poetry, micropoems employ poetic features such as metaphor, imagery, dense language, personification, diction, enjambment, ambiguity, emotional intensity, and figurative phrasing.
 
Microsaga. This novel variant adopts the perspective or persona of an actual or fictional character in a historical or foreign scenario depicted by the associated photo or image.
 
Microphilo. Philosophical musings compressed into a dense statement or question that invites inquisitive readers to exercise their reasoning capacities to expand their own personal worldview, often quite different from the author's.
 
Microjourney. A tightly chiseled chunk of travelogue capturing moments along the road of life, accompanied by a photo of the scene. 
 
Susan plays a starring role in microstories in each of these types represented in this volume. 

#  #  #

Less is more.

—Robert Browning (1855)

after Diogenes (ca. 320 BCE)

#  #  #

Angel on Earth

If angels on earth there be, I know one quite well.  Foreseeing others' wants with off-the-scale mindfulness. Nurturing by nature, fierce mama-bear style. Demanding voice-and-choice fairness for all. Caring nurse for all who suffer.  The kindest person I’ve ever known, she makes our house a home. I kiss her nightly.

Susan in 1953

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Our Warm Sea

Like a fish in water, I don’t notice, enough, the warm sea we share, an ocean away from suffering and its rumors, sedated in languid stupor, stirred awake only by the occasional ripple and nudging wave.  I swim in your gentle wake, my love, until we reach the water’s edge.

Image by AI

#  #  #

Command Module

If you find me well-dressed and neatly groomed—clothing color-matched and wrinkle-free, nose hairs weed-whacked, tee-shirt right-side-out and tucked in, sparse head-hair barbered and brushed, wild eyebrows tamed, ear hairs scissored, beard shaped, neck shaved, eye-glass lenses dust- and smear-free—you will know the Command Module has recently issued instructions.

#  #  #

Sunflower Power

If we all stand together—bravely shining back against the dark forces that would plow us under, trusting in the solidarity of our numbers, confident in our righteousness, unyielding to purveyors of hate, keeping faith in the Resistance—we may save our land.  Meanwhile, our hope makes us beautiful.

Near Millville, Missouri, August 15, 2022

#  #  #

The Fist Bump

Worlds apart in ways once thought relevant, cousins meet in the land of common ancestors.  Our mothers were sisters a mere fifty millennia ago.  We’ve traveled distant roads to the same place.  I see you seeing me.  We breathe the same air.  I feel our bond.  We salute our shared humanity.

Susan and Saruni, Maasai Mara, 2018

#  #  #

Susan’s Hands

Making mud pies, baking birthday cakes, playing piano’s Middle C and violin’s D, holding new lives’ first moments, casting foot-mold memories of others’ last, clutching son’s slipping hand his final hours, touching hearts, soothing fears, reaching out, holding on, letting go, keeping it all together, building our world—Susan’s hands.

#  #  #

Los Seis Mosqueteros

That gravity that pulls us together. That electromagnetism that sparks mutual attraction.  Those invisible yet energetic quantum fields of spooky entanglement. Those wave-like particles racing through the cosmic web spanning lightyears of interpersonal space, sometimes triggering detectors telling us that contact has been made. Thus, the mysterious physics of friendship.

Photo:  Buenos Aires March 2026. 

From left: Charlie, Morgan, Susan, Dan, Victor, Susie

#  #  #

The Multi-Instrumentalist

The aspiring young violinist’s world tour begins at Buenos Aires’ famed Teatro Colón.  Applauding wildly, her small but fiercely devoted audience is entranced by her virtuosity, evoking deep emotion.  The piano is her preferred instrument, but it wouldn’t fit in the overhead bin. Next performances: Rio, Mindelo, Casablanca, and Barcelona.

#  #  #

Experiment in Solo Cruising

Upstaged by an onboard cooking class, I find myself abandoned this evening in circumstances usually shared: solitary sunset daiquiri lacking affectionate banter; silent table for two listening in on intimate nearby conversations; menu selections unsupervised; food reviews undiscussed; dessert choices unopposed.  I’ve tasted forgotten freedoms tonight, but prefer her presence.

#  #  #

Dare to Dream

Some kids dream of joining the circus.  Susan dreams, belatedly, of joining a string trio on a Viking ship.  Anastasiia and Olesia once dreamed Susan‘s musical dream, and of peace in Ukraine — some dreams gestate longer than others.  Cruising, like living, takes us to places where serendipity happens.  Dare to dream.

#  #  #

It Worked

Westbound, generations of our pioneering forebears crossed this perilous sea in spartan wooden ships, fleeing hardship, hunger, seeking opportunity, leaving home and family forever. Eastbound, centuries later, your unimagined children return in comfort, safety, and good fortune, crossing this same sea simply for pleasure and novelty. Thank you. It worked.

#  #  #

MARKER5

About Me

A migrant of the mind asking, “What’s life’s big picture?”  An avid collector of worldly experiences.  An awestruck tourist on life’s one trip, taking snapshots.  A student of those who walked before.  A cosmological hobbyist.  An educator striving to leave the world a smarter place.  An old man at peace.  

More bio:  www.dandana.us

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Other Books

Post-Retirement

· My Last Haiku: And Other Haiku Quintets

· A Life Mostly Lived: True Stories in 85 Syllables

· Diary of a Young Man: Coming of Age at a Cultural Crossroads

· Love, Death, Humanism: Practical Philosophy in Verse

· My Death Collection: Haiku Quintets for Thinking Mortals

· Haiku Quintets

· The Reason Revolution: Atheism, Secular Humanism, and the Collapse of Religion

· Life Is Not Good: Ethical Antinatalism in Haiku

· Science and Secularism: Haiku Quintets

· Songs of the Pandemic: Haiku Quintets

Pre-Retirement

· Managing Differences: How to Build Better Relationships at Work and Home

· Conflict Resolution: Mediation Tools for Everyday Worklife

#  #  #

Acknowledgements:

· Scribes, a Sarasota writer’s community.  You know who you are. 

· Susan, my window into the Eternal Other.